Chris Kelly

About a year ago, me and my friend Corey created the worst possible fake OKCupid profiles we could think of, and then messaged each other back and forth in the hopes of turning the communications into a show. We have not done that yet — we still might! — but we looked back at those profiles a couple of days ago when we realized we had left them active, and my fake profile had gotten messages from about a DOZEN PEOPLE. Obviously, I didn’t create the fake profile to mess with people or fake-message any of them back — that would be cruel — but I find it so hilarious that anyone would have wanted to go on a date with this terrible cretin I created. The picture alone is me in sepia, crying into a bathroom mirror, and all of my profile answers are monstrous. I think maybe its because, compared to so many other lunatics on the site, my profile isn’t really heightened enough. (Or maybe its because, even when I’m trying to be at my fake-worst, I’m still a bright, shining star!!!!) Anyway, here it is, verbatim. Many people responded with, “we look like we have so much in common!”.

My Self-Summary:

Oh god, I hate writing in things like this LOL. What can I say about me? I’m just me. Take me or leave me. Some people love me and some people hate me. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m happy I’m sad I’m up I’m down I’m left I’m right.

I’m currently unemployed but working on my art. And sometimes I’m a freelance nursery painter. I feel like parents aren’t what make a baby, the way a baby’s first room is painted is what makes a baby.

And I’m diabetic.

What I’m doing with my life:

Taking things 1 day at a time. If I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that God has a plan for us all, even if She doesn’t want us to know what It is.

I lost everything last year, and though I may have had to start again, forget the past, and leave almost everyone I used to know behind, I’m ready to begin again!!!! :) :) :)

I’m really good at:

Reading people, not judging books by there covers, telling the Truth with a capital T, blowjobs, memorizing, giving and giving without expecting anything in return, ordering take-out (LOL - i DON’T cook), always letting my friends know there the best, not knowing where I’m heading but always still getting their.

The first things people usually notice about me:

My eyes, my smile, my skin, my hair, my hands, my personality, my laugh, my jaw line, my depth, how I’m real.

My favorite books, movies and music:
Books: 

I like poetry. I forget who wrote it but I love the poem that goes:

“alive and not alive
awake and not awake
you. will. cut. me. open. from. the. inside.

running but im standing still
crying but im laughing
fuck. me. till. i. empty. out. then. stuff. me. full. of. you.”

Movies: 

LOVE ACTUALLLLLLLLLLY!!!!!! ohmigod i am not even joking if u dont like this movie then dont even talk 2 me

Music: 

The sounds of the city are my music. why put on headphones when there is music all around you?

The six things I could never do without:

1. The air I breathe
2. Touch
3. Hot water and honey
4. Everything
5. My vital organs - LOL i mean really tho!
6. COFFEE
7. You

Oops! That’s seven! I guess one thing I can’t live without is breaking the rules! LOLsies!

On a typical Friday night I am:

Either being with friends, cuddled up on the couch with a glass of wine and a movie, getting some sleep after a long week, or getting shit-pants drunk.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:

I don’t know you and you already terrify me.

You should message me if:

…you used to fight life, but now you surrender to it.