Chris Kelly

1. The phrase “a poonload”. As in, “I sure have a poonload of work to do.” My friend Lang said it once and I really love it.

2. When I’m at Chipotle and the burrito-preparer’s hand doesn’t immediately assume-gravitate to the mild salsa before I can say I want medium. 

3. When you can hear crew laughing off-screen during “The Rachel Maddow Show”. It makes me shiver because I hate it so much, but then I LOVE IT!

4. Playing “Mumford & Sons” in my car and practicing crying.

5. Ryan Gosling. How does someone look like that? We used to both be near-identical little spooges, but now he could wear a bucket and still be handsome, and if I wore a bucket, people would be like, “Looks like Chris finally drowned himself.”

6. How on the news lately, anchors keep saying that Rick Perry is brilliantly taking the media spotlight away from the other republican presidential candidates by announcing he’s running right before the Iowa Straw poll. But actually, it’s up to the very media reporting that whether or not he does in fact steal said spotlight.

7. Bachelor Pad. Have you guys seen this show? Don’t watch it. (JK! Totally watch it!) It’s all the left-over slop-bucket contestants from previous seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette. I didn’t know any of these people, but it doesn’t matter, because they catch you up on who all of them are in the THREE HOUR SEASON PREMIERE. Seriously, it was three hours long. Two hours and seven minutes without commercials. But as my friend D’Arcy says, they could not have cut a second.

8. That I know for a fact that my Starbucks barista does gay porn.

9. Drinking so much wine. Opening it, serving it, drinking it, saying, “This is good wine”, laughing with friends over it, and then driving home still half-to-completely drunk on it.

10. How sometimes it feels like Anderson Cooper has hired my father to freelance-tweet for him.

BYEEEEEEEEE!!!