Chris Kelly

I was in Minnesota last weekend, and I saw my mom’s cousin Tim, who I had not seen since I was a small child, at a family get-together. I met him while he was telling people about this recent conversation he had with a woman:

Woman: (getting herself a beer from a six-pack of beer)
Tim: Why drink from a six-pack when you can have a whole keg? (lifting up his shirt, pointing to his enormous stomach)
Woman: (walking away) I’m not that thirsty. 

Tim then found out that I do comedy and decided to pitch me a couple of ideas. I am still contemplating which one to make first and would love everyone’s input! Here they are, almost verbatim:

STAND-UP IDEA:

“Something about when you’re waiting in line for a movie and you get so fucking angry. And the irony in that.”

SKIT IDEA:

“There’s these three guys and they believe in reincarnation and shit for whatever reason, and they’re driving along together and they all decide that when they die, they wanna come back as fuckin’ women’s vibrators. Then, outta fuckin’ nowhere, this big fuckin’ semi-truck comes and hits them and then they’re all dead. Next thing they know, they wake up on this shelf. And they’re women’s fuckin’ vibrators!!! But then three women walk into the room, and they’re all fat fuckin’ chicks, and they look at each other and they’re like ‘Oh, shit! Oh no!’. And then somethin’ else happens.”

MOVIE IDEA:

“It’s called ‘Live Like You’re Dying’ and it would star Tim McGraw. And it’s about this guy who finds out he has cancer or some shit, and so he goes and he spends all his money, and then at the end of the movie, he goes back to his doctor, and the doctor is all like, ‘Woops, I fucked up. I was reading someone else’s chart. You’re NOT dying.’ And then Tim McGraw’s all like, ‘Shit’.”

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If any of you would like to help me finance any of these ideas, please let me know. I would make them at Funny or Die, but Tim isn’t a huge fan of Will Ferrell’s. He told me not to tell him this, but he thinks while some of Will’s stuff is good, some of it isn’t. Unlike Kevin Spacey, who, according to Tim, has “never made a bad movie. I mean, the guy fuckin’ made K-Pax. Can you even think of a bad movie he’s made? No.”