Chris Kelly

Dear Glee,

I have a few slams for you. A few put-downs, a few jabs. All of which I know do nothing to make me seem superior to you as I am still a twenty-six year old man* writing an Open Letter to “Glee” on a blog. But here are some thoughts on why I used to think you were surprisingly great but are now fucking terrible:

1. Taking a music video and then just doing it again but with a cast member from your show in it is not “your version” of the music video or “a funny spin on it” or even “something”. It’s nothing. It’s the complete absence of thing.

2. Lea Michelle has become just insufferable to watch. She gives me a stress boner just looking at her. Not a turned-on boner, but like one of those half-boners you get when you’re stuck in traffic or late for something or a fucking shrew is shrieking at you for an hour every Tuesday on FOX.

3. I get physically uncomfortable watching everyone on your show sing and dance on that goddamn classroom set of yours. Especially the teacher. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for them because they are making anus-loads of money, but I literally cringe when that Glee teacher starts rapping or spins on his feet or does one of those songs that starts with a spoken word “Lemme break it down for you…”, which seems to be how all of his songs start now, right?

4. Your co-opting of stereotypes was sort of refreshing at the beginning of the show. And I liked when you had a few surprising moments like the time that gay kid’s dad was okay with him being gay. I wasn’t expecting that. But now, everyone is such an outlandish caricature of a human being, that it’s like I’m watching silly putty take form and act at me. Sometimes it seems like you’re aware you exist in a heightened reality and all the petty teen drama is supposed to be self-referential and winky, but too often lately it’s just terrible, insufferable, I-want-to-claw-my-stress-boner off awful.

5. Can we please have ONE episode where Lea Michelle doesn’t fall in love with, then break up with, then fall back in love with every single male character on your show in the span for forty-two minutes? Jesus fucking Christ.

6. I know - I JUST FUCKING KNOW - you’re eventually going to have a dream sequence episode where that wheelchair kid is going to imagine he’s not crippled, and he’s going to get out of that chair and tap dance. And let me just tell you right now: I do NOT want to see that shit. It’s clear as day that this show’s going to be on until the world ends, and this actor - who can walk in real life - is going to bitch to the executive producer about how he wants to show off his dancing skillz, and then we’re all gonna have to watch him dance-masturbate for an at least an entire episode.

7. I would write for you in a heart-beat.

Sometimes if I sort of have to poop and I start watching your show, I’ll end up fully having to poop,

Chris

*debatable