Chris Kelly

Today at work, I got filled in on how the Twilight saga shapes up in later books, and I would like to walk through my disbelief for you now on this Tumblr page:

What? Edward gets Bella pregnant? What?! I thought this was just a dumb high school thing. I assumed all the books just culminated in a different dance.

Oh, and they actually get married? Weird. This sounds boring.

Oh but then the baby that they have together is half-human/half-vampire? And the baby is so strong because of her vampire blood that she literally starts beating the shit out of Bella from the inside, breaking through her ribs and injuring her spine? WHAT?!?

What the fuck are you talking about? This is a real thing? Are you fucking with me? Are we talking about the same Twilight? I thought Bella and Edward just like laid together on the forest floor for four books unless she was occasionally longing for that seventeen year old dude who used to have long hair but now doesn’t.

WHAT?!?

And wait: at one point in the fourth book, Bella and Edward have such intense sex that he fucks her unconscious?! You have got to be kidding me. Can they make this movie now? Or at least this scene? Because this sounds hilarious. I mean sexy. I mean I don’t know what I mean.

And wait: the baby Bella gives birth to is also telepathic? But what about the fact that that doesn’t make any sense and is retarded? Oh, okay, that doesn’t matter?

And also the werewolf guy that once loved Bella now falls in love with her baby? And not eighteen years later when the baby is an adult, but right away? Like, the werewolf man falls in love with an actual INFANT?!?

I really, really need to stop talking shit about these Twilight books, because this series sounds like maybe the best thing that has ever been written on paper.

OH! And the best part is this: Bella has an emergency C-section to give birth to this telepathic half-vampire baby Lolita, and do you know how she is cut open to give birth? EDWARD RIPS HER BELLY OPEN WITH HIS VAMPIRE TEETH!!!!!

This is a thing that exists in literature! You guys, I think we’re all gonna be okay after all!