Chris Kelly

1. Beyonce is called Beyonce Knowles here. It’s confusing, I know.

2. The ancient Romans used to save their pee and then recycle it in laundry detergent.

3. There is an archway that is roped off so people won’t take pictures under it. This is because it commemorates the Romans’ triumph over the Jews, and when Hitler visited Rome, it was the first and only thing he took a picture in front of. However, immediately after learning this, there was a baby in a stroller under the archway. This baby will clearly grow up to be the reincarnation of Hitler in a horror movie that I am writing.

4. If you walk one second past the Colosseum, you will accidentally be in the gay district. Near the Colosseum, people sell little bullshit tiny Colloseums all hanging off this rope thing. In the gay district, it’s the same, but with tiny studded dog collars. I’m not kidding. Also, not only do you have to be a customer to use the bathroom at the Coming Out Bar facing the Colosseum, but you have to use it to change from a man into a woman, like the 80 year shim I walked in on wearing a bra and applying lipstick.

5. Gay people are assholes in Rome. They’re also all dressed like 13 year old goth girls. I asked one of them when the metro closed, and after he answered me, I heard his friend call me cute. But then I clearly heard the first guy negating that opinion in Italian. The only three parts of his rebuttal I could make out were: “stupid American”, “Arnold Schwarzenegger”, and “Barack Obama”.

6. An old couple playing matching violins at night near that Pantheon is as wonderful as it sounds.

7. Paris is beautiful because it is beautiful. Rome is beautiful because it is old.

8. People here have bad skin. You’ll think someone is attractive, but then they’re not. Every time.

9. The average ancient Roman was 4’8”. I learned this right before my tour guide did five minutes of stand-up on what this would mean for their penises.

10. This city is OLD, folks. No more of that Paris “This dates way back to the 17th century” bullshit. Get back to me when something on one of your tours pre-dates Christ, French people.