An Open Letter To The Chris Kelly Who Worked For Blagojevich And Killed Himself
There are so many Chris Kellys in this world and frankly, I’ve been getting really sick of Googling myself after getting semi-drunk on white wine only to find pictures of you.
You had to go.
Granted, now that you’ve killed yourself, Googling myself is even more nightmarish - every search result is “Chris Kelly Dead”, which is not what I need right now - but I have patience and know that in a few weeks and months, you will be one less Chris Kelly clogging my Google search.
Sometimes, I click over to “blogs”, thinking I must trump you in the blogging category on Google, but no. More people are blogging about you dying than I am blogging about anything. Again, good riddance, CK.
Did people call you that? They do me.
If you were a nice guy, I would be sad. I wouldn’t be saying mean things like this about you. It’s not like I want every person named Chris Kelly to die. That would make me a terrible person. And I’m not terrible. Just semi-drunk on white wine. There’s a difference: another glass of wine.
HOWEVER, did you know that there are one million Chris Kellys? Did you? Here are the jobs of JUST A FEW of them:
- Writer for the Huffington Post
- Writer for Real Time With Bill Maher
- Privacy Officer Of Facebook Who Is Now Running For Governor Of California
- Stage Manager at Saturday Night Live
I have an uphill battle, Dead Chris Kelly. And I’m too semi-drunk to do any climbing. So instead of doing any number of things to become the most famous of the Chris Kellys, I’m going to just write this open letter to you and post it to my blog. Which will still never be searchable on Google because of you, you idiot face.