Chris Kelly

FAVORITE MUSIC:

Thistle - You have to listen to Thistle. It’s two identical twin brothers who live in the woods, and each morning, they chop down a single tree, whittle two ukeleles from it, then record a song inspired by that particular wood. Their music is haunting. 

Lady Slit - She sounds like Ke$ha, but like Ke$ha wishes she sounded. She’s fourteen and recorded this entire debut album from the dumpster behind a Red Lobster. And it shows. Her sound is raw, dirty, and will make you wanna shake your ass right up onto a dick that’s not wearing a condom.

…f… - They don’t have an album out yet but they’ve been building a lot of buzz on the internet. …f… is the cool type of punk, progressive, anti-authority underground group that doesn’t like music, doesn’t want you to listen to them, and hates you if you do. They have one song that is just screams and two pieces of metal sliding against each other, but once you train your ears to like that sound, it will change your life (and ability to hear things from far away).

FAVORITE MOVIES:

The Walk We Took That One Day When - This movie made my cry so hard. It’s 88 minutes long, and the whole thing is shot in real time as a twenty-something guy and twenty-something girl walk along a dirt path in the woods, talking about love, life, and the death of her parents. The whole thing is shot from behind so you never see the characters’ faces, but you don’t need to see them. That would ruin it. With the camera behind the actors, you are free to imagine the characters however you want. In the end, they are you, and you are them. I especially loved the fourteen minutes of the movie where they walked in silence, because in many ways, if you think about it, that was the part of the movie that had the most lines.

Fillmore - I love biopics and this one, about Millard Fillmore, was breath-taking. It got absolutely terrible reviews (4% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes) but I am a sucker for anything historical, and this movie, which takes places over three days during Fillmore’s dispute with Napolean III as he attempted to annex Hawaii, was amazing. It’s 295 minutes long, and some say it’s dry, but those people are idiots. And what a cast: Peter Sarsgaard, Marion Cotillard, Javier Barden, Christoph Waltz, George Clooney, Monica Bellucci, Jeff Bridges, Adrien Brody, Leelee Sobieski, Geoffrey Rush, William Hurt, Ben Kingsley and Gael Garcia Bernal. The only quibble I had is that the old-age make-up they used on Jessie Eisenberg to make him look like Millard Fillmore was a littttle fakey in some scenes. 

Respirar - This Spanish-language film is exactly what American films are missing and exactly what makes films from whatever country this was from so great (something with a G…? Is there a Spanish-speaking country with a G? Who cares.) In it, Penelope Cruz plays a woman named Maria, and her own grandmother, Olita. I don’t wanna give too much away, but let’s just say that there is a hot-ass lesbian sex scene between the two of them that totally makes sense and is not “gross” or “exploitative” once you see it in context. It’s part love story, part coming-of-age film, part thriller, part-incest mystery. (I’ve seen it seven times!)

FAVORITE TV SHOWS:

“Tween Puke Story” - This new TLC reality show follows six eleven-year-olds who are all either alcoholics, bulimics or addicting to puking, and the show follows them as they puke for a year. Sometimes it’s in a toilet, sometimes in a yard, sometimes (spoiler alert!!!!) on each other. But the great thing about this show is you really get to know these kids and their story. It goes past the puking to truly humanize them. Also, I’m really curious to see how they deal with the death of Traci, Casi, Tracey and Lacey in Season 2.

“America’s Best Person At Being Able To Add Just The Right Amount Of Salt To A Plate Of Fries” - I love love love this new reality show. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a nail-biter. There’s sixteen contestants, and in each episode they have to add salt to a different kind of french fry, then the judges taste the fry, and if it’s too salty (or not salty enough (I’m looking at you Kayla M.)), they’re eliminated. I especially love the judges: Lou Ferigno; Wolfgang Puck’s niece, Kathleen Puck; and Cheryl James, who was Salt from Salt N Pepa. (They have a lot of fun with that.)

SPECIAL MENTION: WORST TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: “Mallory” - Ugh this fucking piece of fucking bullshit is so dumbbb. First off, it’s not single camera, so right away, I’m like “zzzzzz”. The jokes are so so lame that they make me want to put a bullet in my mouth and the mouths of everyone involved with the show. The main actress is so fucking not funny, but even more so than that, she is so ugly. Honestly, this show seems like it should have been on fifteen years ago. Every time a character makes a joke, it’s painful. If you want to know more about what I think of this show (hint: it’s reeeeetardedddd), then follow my blog, www.mallorymorelikesucksary.tumblr.com.

FAVORITE BOOKS:

Raped In A Barn By My Father (And Other Stories Of Barns and Rapes) by Miranda Eloise Higgins - This book of short stories by first-time author Miranda Eloise Higgins is stirring. Every story follows a young heroine on the last day of summer. Some of them are deaf, some want to be writers, some are poor, and some are rich, but all of them have the same thing in common: their lazy, youthful days of laying by the lake are ruined when they’re taken to a barn and raped by their fathers, step-fathers, or (spoiler alert!!!!) both their father and step-father. The stories are so sad, but the language Higgins uses to describe the rusty old barns really shows that she has promise as a serious writer of fiction. I also really liked how sometimes she would juxtapose the serenity of a summer day with the violence of some of the rapes, most of which lasted forty to fifty pages. Also, fun little tidbit: this was Oprah Winfrey’s last Book Club Book! (Oprah, why did you have to leave us!?!? How will I know what to read next?!)

Dreaming Of Perseverance: The Courage To Be American: Songs From The Heartland by Newt Gingrich - If you don’t want Newt Gingrich to be your next President after reading this book, I don’t know what to tell you. In it, he talks about how each American is as great and as beautiful as an Iowan sun setting over a stalk of corn, and while reading it, I was like, “that is so true”. I also loved the themes in the book, like “eagles” and “liberty”, and they’re so prevalent and important to Newt, that the words “eagle” and “liberty” are both in every single chapter title. Oh! And if you buy this book, make sure you’re buying the right one, and not Barack Obama’s latest book, whose title is very similar (Dreaming About Perseverance: The Strength To Be American: Poems Of The Heartland).

Belts I’ve Worn by Kourtney Kardashian - Okay, okay, I know, I know. But hear me out. This book is so so so so fun. Kourtney wore a different belt every day for a year, and then documented it. Each page has a beautiful pic of a new, kick-ass, hot-as-fuck belt, with tidbits from Kourtney about where she wore it. My faves are the chunky black belt from April 3rd that she wore to a charity event for kids with hairlips, the red and orange Navajo-chik belt she wore June 10th when her husband wanted to fuck her in that belt, and the sparkle belt she wore on November 18th when she had a breast cancer scare. Overall, it’s a fun-as-balls read with lotsa <3!!!!!!!!