Chris Kelly

It has recently come to my horrified attention that I have listened to Adele’s “Someone Like You” 572 times since February. I think, if you do the math, that works out to 33 years of listening to that song back-to-back, which seems mathematically impossible, but somehow I did it.

So without further ado, I would like to track back and retroactively live-blog some of my listens. These will not be jokes, these will honestly be what I’m pretty sure I was thinking during them:

Listen 1: Ooh, I like this song. This is beautiful. Wrenching. And it’s February! I should put on my pea coat and walk along the streets of Brooklyn in the snow, listening to this and pretending I’m in a heart-breaking music video.

Listen 2-38: I’m in a heart-breaking music video!!!!!

Listen 72: I’m now playing this song for my friend. I know she’ll just love it. She likes sad shit. Ugh, she’s talking during one of the verses. How is she going to hear the narrative? I’m gonna have to play it for her again.

Listen 73: I’m playing it for her again. She wants to go back down to the party.

Listen 112-117: I’m just gonna hop in the shower. Ooooh, I should put “Someone Like you” on loop and think about everything sad that’s ever happened to me! 

Listen 150: These lyrics are sooo sad. Who would hurt Adele like this? I should google it and try to find out. I bet this guy feels so stupid now. Serves him right. If I met him, and knew he was the guy who broke Adele’s heart, I think I would punch him. I’m not some big strong guy who’s into fighting, but I think I’d have to. I bet he’s French. 

Listen 186: I just bought a full-length mirror! I’m gonna do this sort of ironically, so I don’t seem like one of those people, but let’s see if I can put on “Someone Like You” and for real make myself cry into this mirror. But not til the third chorus. I need to build to a full cry. On the first one, I’ll get sad. On the second one, I’ll make the mirror think I’m going to cry into it, and then on the third one, I’ll really just let loose. I’m a better actor than people give me credit for.

Listen 187: Ugh. Fuck. Some idiot called in the middle of that last listen. And I was totally on track to cry, too. I could feel the tears coming. Fuck. I don’t know if I can get back to that place again. But I’ll try.

Listen 188: Nope. I couldn’t do it. I guess I’ll just sit here angrily, thinking about how that person who called me two listens ago really fucked up a beautiful performance. I think it was my friend Kerry. Fuck her. 

Listen 260: WAIT. Adele is 21?!?!? This means the guy this song is about is maybe 21 as well…? Are you fucking shitting me? Is this song about a fucking college kid? If so, I am not on board. Did all these fights and all this sadness and drama and beautiful pain happen in a goddamn dorm room!?!?!!? 

Listen 302: Oooh! Now I’m in a car! I’m gonna sing this out loud and see how bad I sound. I know I’m going to sound bad, but like, how bad? Maybe I’ll record me singing along to it on my iPhone, and then play it back, and really be an honest, unbiased judge about my voice. Because maybe I actually sorta sound great…?

Listen 303: Man, I sounded fucking terrible. Ewww, that’s my voice when I’m giving it my all??? Is my talking voice the worst, too? God, how do I have friends? I’ve done karaoke before! And I know I was bad, but fuck. Okay. I now have to listen to the real song again, to get my version outta my head.

Listen 399: You know what?! I bet Adele was partly to blame for her whole break-up. Maybe her boyfriend was great and she was the crazy one! You never know! Everyone is on Adele’s side, but maybe her ex-boyfriend is like a really awesome guy. I hope he releases an album some day. I’d listen to that. I wonder if he’s handsome. What if I end up with him? I mean, probably not, because he’s theoretically 100% straight, but you never know. You know what? I bet I end up with him. 

Listen 422: I’m just gonna say it: Adele and I would not get along. I mean, I love her, and her music is great. But sometimes it’s like “Cool it, Adele.”

Listen 490: Adele and I would be best friends if we met!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With some people, you can just tell.

Listen 522: Oh man, I haven’t heard this song in days. I’m getting a little sick of it. Uh oh. Ah, who cares, I’m still gonna dim all the lights in my apartment and put it on and just give it a listen. I bet I look really handsome and tortured right now. I wish someone could take a picture of this. The way I’m positioned in the half-dark at my desk. It looks kind of cool. I could see this in a magazine. Really editorial.

Listen 523: Okay, no, I went into the bathroom and fixed my hair a little. And dimmed the lights a little more. Now this looks like I could be in a magazine. This might be the most handsome I’ve ever looked. And I’m in between pimples right now, too. I should be having sex tonight. Not alone listening to Adele. I’m only getting uglier with each passing day. What am I doing?

Listen 572: I HAVE LISTENED TO THIS SONG 572 TIMES?!?!? No way! There is literally no way. I mean, I guess I have.

Yeah, I definitely have.