September 2010
16 posts
WatchJustin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile
“Sex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.”
This is my directorial debut at The Onion News Network.
Take that, Justin Bieber.
I Got Interviewed For A Financial Website And,...
Luckily a lot of that got cut out. But there is this prize quote:
What’s it like to work as an extra? I’d recommend it because you’ll come across the funniest, most awful people that you’ll ever meet in your entire life. Just terrible, sad monsters.
If you want to read the rest of the interview, you can click here. And thanks to my friend Mike Dang for interviewing me....
WatchJoad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams
It’s time for another one of my favorite Onion characters: Joad Cressbeckler!
This one also has the wonderful Mary Grill in it, too.
“chriskelly.tumblr.com is probably written by a female somewhere between 18-25...”
– www.urlai.com
Fair enough.
WatchObama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve
The emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.
This is the newest Onion video that I worked on.
I got to personally hand-pick all the bachelors we used. It was a weird experience directing ten men to sit in the back of a windowless van, and then step out of it “all...
I Guess I'm Going To Have To Just Start Killing...
So last night a friend texted me that she showed up to see a play at the New York Fringe Festival called “How My Mother Died of Cancer, And Other Bedtime Stories” because she thought I had written it.
I had not.
But not only did the title and subject matter trick her into thinking it was my show, the playwright’s name did: Chris Kelly.
Well, I may have taken it upon myself to...
Remember how we only get one short life? And then...
And remember how the ones we love are slowly dying, too, each and every day, all of them, no matter how hard we want to think that isn’t so?
And remember how our mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and friends could, at any moment, be killed in some terrible accident or be diagnosed with some crazy awful disease that has yet to be cured? Remember?
And remember how there...
WatchToday Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape
You guys, I love this one. Mostly because it’s just two minutes of synonymous phrases for “mush your fat around”.
Everyone Boycott Starbucks Or Something, I Don't...
So my dear friend Katey bought my a reusable Starbucks cup for my birthday because I had mentioned to her that I drink a lot of coffee and I would like to be more eco-friendly about it. Also, I really like the way the cup looks.
So today (my second day of using said cup) I go to Starbucks, make my order, and THIS time, notice the barista grab a small plastic cup from next to her, write my order...
Rootin' Through The Ol' Mailbag #1
jesseeisemann asked: So hypothetically, if a woodchuck COULD chuck wood…what are you doing for your birthday?
A. I’m glad you asked. I am inviting people to 230 5th on Monday night. It’s a swanky bar with a rooftop lounge and everyone is invited. So if you are reading this, come! It starts at 8pm and goes until I have said “twenty-seven just feels so much older than twenty-six; I think it’s...
