Why did she nominate me? I have never said ONE mean thing about her. Ugh. She is...– The reason I still watch “Big Brother”. Because the houseguests say things like this. Just kidding, I don’t watch that show. Just kidding, I’m watching it now.
Some Of My Favorite Dieting Tips From The...
Each of these tips may read like perfectly written jokes. But they’re actually real. 1. Eat with your non-dominant hand. 2. Wear your favorite tight bikini bottom and take a picture of your love handles. 3. Try new foods when you’re sick, it creates an irreversible association between that food and feeling sick. This worked wonders for me! I can’t...
You Can Direct All Marriage Inquiries Directly To...
I just spent upwards of twenty minutes trying to open a salsa jar. I have carpal tunnel in my salsa jar-opening hand. And after trying all four salsa jars (I eat a lot of salsa), I seriously contemplated smashing one of the jars open by throwing it into the sink and then scooping the salsa out of the sink and into a bowl with my hand. I’m pretty hungry tonight. Oh, and am I drunk? Salsa! ...
I helped direct some of this new video for The Onion News Network. Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa That poor Jen, she just has the worst luck!
Right now, it’s possible to marry your same-sex partner in Buenos Aires,...– www.fivethirtyeight.com
This video is so stupid, I love it. The Onion News Network’s ‘Today Now!’: Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
A Story My Grandfather Thought It Would Be Fun To...
Grandpa: Oh look, see that house on the shore there? That's where we used to live when your mom was growing up.
Grandpa: And the house right next to it is where the Macklins lived. Back then, we had one TV antenna that served both houses.
Grandpa: I remember one time, your grandma and I brought home a porno and started playing it, and the Macklins called us and said, "Are you watching a porno? The wires got crossed on the antenna and it's coming through on our TV, too! Our kids can see the porno."
Grandma: Well, I don't think it was a PORNO, Jimmy.
Grandpa: No no, it WAS a porno, Karen.
All This In Less Than Three Minutes Of Talking To...
Brandon: I thought “Charlie St. Cloud” came out this weekend and it didn’t and I got depressed. So my Saturday evening was ruined. Brandon: Also, it’s so hot in my room that last night I filled an old sock with ice and slept with it on my back. Brandon: I have a fan in my room but I am afraid to sleep with it on my face because I read it can cause Bell’s Palsy....
A Conversation With My Grandmother
Grandma: That Steve Carvel was on Regis awhile ago and I thought of you because I know you used to do some work on The Office.
Me: No I didn't.
The new Onion video I wrote the script for: ONN: New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products Tech Trends’ Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with “friends” that will listen to them rattle on for hours. Written By: Chris Kelly Idea By: Matt Klinman P.S. Please enjoy the loving shout-out to the improv...