A Big Day
Five years ago, if I had bought my boyfriend shorts and then needed to return them because they didn’t fit, I would have gone out of my way to not mention the word “boyfriend” to the store clerk. I would have made up some lie like the shorts were for me or something, because I was so uncomfortable casually dropping that I was gay to people who didn’t know me. Today I...
I am posting this song because it is amazing. My...
A Word About John Mayer
I heard the song “Your Body Is A Wonderland” tonight. It was a weird experience hearing it all these years later. It was like looking at an old, perfectly innocent picture of your step-uncle with a bunch of children, and knowing that soon after that picture was taken, everyone found out he was a child molester and now no one can look at that picture again. And it’s really too bad. Cuz it was a...
What’s the best thing on the internet today? This bonus footage from MTV’s “The Diary of Justin Bieber”. It is one full minute of him silently blow-drying his hair. The best part? Knowing an adult human being had to stand there and film it.
Hey Tea Partiers!
Health Care passed! Go suck a dick, you crazies! And then go use your new affordable health care to get yourself tested, because you just sucked a stranger’s dick. Gross. You’re gross, Tea Partiers.
The warranty works if you drop it. If it gets wet. If there’s a storm...– The woman at Best Buy explaining that the warranty on my new Flip camera covers everything. This is verbatim.
My Conversations With The Woman Who Just Cut My...
Her: How did you find this place?
Me: I just walked in.
Her: Oh good. I'm glad you didn't go on Yelp. We get terrible reviews on Yelp.
Her: Do you want kids?
Me: I don't know.
Her: Boring! Don't have kids. I have a twelve year old and a fourteen year old. They're great and all, but I do NOT reccommend it.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I'm a writer.
Her: For what?
Me: A show. But it's not on TV yet. You wouldn't know it.
Her: Is it Big Bang Theory?
Me: No, it's not on the air yet. We're just writing the pilot.
Her: I'm going to give you my email address. If you ever work on Big Bang Theory, call me and I'll do your makeup.
Just To Be Clear, L.A....
We all just drink and drive here, right? Like, how does this work? Because I’m pretty sure I accidentally just drove home kinda drunk. Maybe?
Things The Characters On LOST Shouldn't Be Allowed...
“It’s not time for you to know yet.” “I’ll tell you. When the time is right.” “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” “You wouldn’t understand.” “[anything anything] Kate [anything]”.
‘Spencer Pratt told People he will be leaving the MTV reality show...– Ironically enough, I feel like a cyber crime was just committed against me for having to read this stupid sentence online. This guy is a real anus.
I Will End Up Deleting This Post Tomorrow
Do you ever have one of those moments where you’re eating cheesecake and you have to go to the bathroom but you don’t want to stop eating the cheesecake so you just end up eating the cheesecake while you’re going to the bathroom and it’s midnight and you’re not even in your own home but instead you’re in the the home of the friend who is letting you stay with...
I Have A Confession To Make
Dear Parents, Those summers after ninth and tenth grade, when you paid for me to go to a summer workout camp to get ready for soccer season, I didn’t actually ever go. Well, I went to the soccer part as much as possible, since you knew the coach and I didn’t want word to get out. But the two hours of core building and weight lifting? Yeah, I didn’t go to that. When I left on...
A Conversation You Have In L.A.
Eva: Let's get dinner. Do you like Italian?
Me: Sure. What restaurant?
Eva: Vitello's on Tujunga. They have really great opera music on some nights.
Eva: And it's the restaurant where Robert Blake murdered his wife.
Me: Awesome. Let's go.
A Conversation I Will Surely Have With God When I...
God: Did you make the most of your life, Christopher?
Me: I think so.
God: What about the night of March 8th, 2010 when you sat in your underwear eating Red Vines while reading the entire Twilight wikipedia page?
Me: Easy, Alanis. At least I didn't date Dave Coulier.
This Post Is Nothing But Twilight Spoilers
Today at work, I got filled in on how the Twilight saga shapes up in later books, and I would like to walk through my disbelief for you now on this Tumblr page: What? Edward gets Bella pregnant? What?! I thought this was just a dumb high school thing. I assumed all the books just culminated in a different dance. Oh, and they actually get married? Weird. This sounds boring. Oh but then the baby...
I'm pretty sure James Cameron likes to drink warm...
5 Things I Have Learned During My First Week In...
1. Just Bieber fans are called “Beliebers”. 2. There is absolutely no chance that I will not be damaging my rental in car in some way, shape or form. 3. Mexican food doesn’t have to be nasty as shit, despite what New York City will try to tell you. In Los Angeles, it can often taste like “food”, and even be delicious. 4. You can easily skirt the whole “no...
The Onion: Houseguest Just Going To Lie There... →