Even though almost everyone wants “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to be repealed because it is overwhelmingly considered a huge civil rights disaster, Republicans have been holding up a vote on its repeal in the Senate. Many liberals are angry about this, but I think it’s fair. Republicans have simply stated that they just want a few small things first, and then they’ll totally be down to start righting the wrongs committed against millions of minorities for almost two decades.
Here is ALL they’re asking for:
1. The tax cut deal to be completely finalized first, in which tax cuts for millionaires are extended.
2. A burrito for every Republican in Congress. But from the good burrito place, not the one in walking distance, because that one doesn’t put enough sauce on their burritos, and then when you go to eat it, you’re like, “why is this so crumbly?”.
3. A large oil painting to be hung in the halls of Congress in which Nancy Pelosi is depicted being roasted like a pig on a spit. Only the spit is a dick.
4. A return to simpler times. When kids could cross the street and family meant something and there weren’t so many Hispanics.
5. An end to handouts and bailouts and bailouts and handouts and earmarks and handmarks and earouts and bailhands.
6. A BURRITO FROM THE GOOD BURRITO PLACE. Democrats are probably thinking of still just going to the burrito place in walking distance and asking for extra packets of hot sauce to hide the crumblyness from Republicans, thinking they won’t notice, but come on, do Democrats want these gay people to have rights or not? Because Republicans can go get these burritos themselves - they don’t mind - it might just take them til the end of the Congressional session to do so. Because, like they said, it’s NOT THE BURRITO PLACE IN WALKING DISTANCE.
7. A bill that would force women who are raped but don’t get pregnant to go out and get raped again until they are pregnant, then carry that baby to term.
8. An original copy of Obama’s birth certificate for every Republican in the country, so that they may constantly hold it up to their face for inspection or keep protected inside their mouth like a baby bird. Otherwise, Obama is a Muslim from the Muslim part of Africa.
9. A promise from gays that although the barrel of every gun they see in Afghanistan will look like a tiny, gleaming anus to them, they won’t constantly be running into enemy fire to fuck it.
10. Oh shit, scratch one of those burritos from #2, and make it a salad. Senator Collins wasn’t listening when all the other Republicans were adding the burritos to this “want list” and she’s trying to stay away from certain foods. So if they have a salad, get her a salad. And if they don’t have salads, get her like a wrap or something. And if they don’t have a wrap, I guess just get her…..umm….hang on…..get her like….you know what? Forget it. If they don’t have a wrap, we’re not going to vote on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
Chris: you are going to hell.
And the flames will be so hot it will be impossible to stand close enough to properly mourn you. Therefore, in your case, it might be advisable to have the funeral well in advance of your actual death so that …we can all give you a proper send off.
Just sayin’.”” —
My uncle wrote this on my Facebook wall after I posted a link to the latest Onion News Network video that I directed.
You may have noticed the confusing logic embedded within his threat. He seems to describe an end to my mortal life that’s so heinous and full of hellfire even my corpse will be radiating such heat that those just trying to mourn me at my funeral will be in danger of catching fire.
It’s a real maze-like insult, and I respect it. I like having to work to be publicly derided by a relative.
And in the end, I’m not really offended, because after all, he was “just sayin’”.
The problem with these “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” hearings is the problem with the entire country’s discourse about homosexuality: it’s still debated like there are two sides to the issue. Like there are people who support gay rights and are entitled to their opinion, and people who don’t support gay rights, and are entitled to theirs.
This must change. FOXNews would not allow a Senator on their network to talk about how African Americans are immoral and tearing apart the foundations of this country without instantly dismissing him or apologizing for his insane, hurtful remarks. CNN would not bring someone on their network for a “different take on things” if their “different take on things” was that women should be banned from serving their country because they will distract the real soldiers.
Yesterday, during John McCain’s embarrassing, pathetic attempt to create new reasons to block the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, someone - anyone - should have spoken up and told him that he was being a bigot. Wouldn’t that have been so refreshing? Sure, there is being a gentleman. Sure, there is conduct. But it would have been so nice to hear someone politely - yet firmly - say, “At this point, Senator McCain, this comes down to bigotry. You are bigoted against a group of people and you are holding the entire country back. These are human beings you are talking about.”
Because watching McCain talk, and LAUGH condescendingly, at military leaders as they explained that DADT should be repealed was disgusting. Can he even IMAGINE what it must be like for us gay people, sitting at home, to watch elected officials like him talk about us like we’re some sort of other? It was hard for me, and I feel pretty damn good about myself, so I can’t fathom how hard it must have been for teenagers still uncomfortable with their sexuality to watch it. McCain laughed so derisively and so degradingly about the very notion of us being allowed to serve like “regular” people, that it honestly looked like he was responding the the military brass’ suggestion that millions of rats be unleashed into army barracks, effective immediately.
“Rats? (laughing) In the barracks with our soldiers? (laughing) But uh, won’t that cause… PROBLEMS? (laughing, eye roll) I mean, with all do respect, RATS!?!?!?!?”.
Senator McCain, you fucking disgust me. We are human beings, we gay people. We are literally just like you. Only our faces are made out of skin and not some sort of weird dough that was left out to rise.
When I was home last year with my dad, he said something along the lines of, “Even though we disagree on the gay issue, I am always willing to have a nice debate about it with you.”
Because that’s the problem. This is NOT A DEBATE. It’s not “There Should Be Middle-Class Tax Cuts” vs. “No There Shouldn’t Be”. It’s “There’s Something Wrong With You As A Person That Makes You Fundamentally Less Than Me” Vs. “No There’s Not”. And, frankly, I am not having that debate anymore, regardless of how polite or civil it is. And neither should the news networks or anyone else.
So FOX, CNN, MSNBC: stop letting homophobic crazies on your shows. Or if they’re on, tell them flat-out that they’re wrong. Don’t say “now a lot of people disagree with you”, say, “You are a bigot and you are spending time out of your life to make the lives of others more miserable.” Because when you go home for Thanksgiving, and you accidentally get stuck at the end of the table with your racist step-uncle who, oh look, maybe has what looks like a swastika peeking out one of the sleeves of his t-shirt, you don’t interview him openly and honestly about his opinions on things, you pretend you don’t see him and then parody him a month later in a sketch show.
Thank you for your time,
P.S. Rachel Maddow, please invite me on your show to talk about this because I want us to strike up a fun rapport where you say something funny and then I say something funny and then we can hear the crew laughing off camera.