Chris Kelly: Archive

This Week's "Top Chef" Gives Us A Crash Course In Ridiculous Pretension

This is an exchange between Some Famous Chef And Natalie Portman, verbatim:

Some Famous Chef: I just got a little bit of lavender blossom in my mouth and it was rather polarizing.

Natalie Portman: (laughing, almost choking on her wine)

Some Famous Chef: I feel like I’m in Provence again!

Natalie Portman: (laughing so hard she throws her hands up to her mouth in disbelief at how much she’s laughing)

I bet you anything Natalie Portman walks around with a John Keats leatherbound book of poems in her vagina all day.

Oct 31, 20095 notes

Oct 30, 200911 notes

“When you were born, you were so ugly that your mom tried to shove you back in. But you were so fat that you didn’t fit, so she had to shove you up her asshole. That’s why your eyes are brown.” —

One crazy man on the bus to another crazy man on the bus.

I’m still on the bus.

Oct 30, 20099 notes

I just went to commiserate with the only normal looking person on this bus, then learned that he was deaf.

I have no one.

This Is Going To Sound Like A Terribly Hackneyed Standup Joke But Its True

For the past twenty minutes, a guy has been smiling at me from across this Starbucks. He has seemed semi-attractive, but its been hard to tell without my contacts in.

When he got up to leave just now, I realized he was just smiling at me because he was mentally challenged.

I’ll take it.

Oct 28, 200912 notes

Oct 27, 20097 notes

A Recent Conversation With My Good Friend Corey Johnson That Made Me Laugh

Me: I'm in Ashland, visiting my friend who is in the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
Corey: Oh really? I have family there. You should go say hi!
Me: Oh really? Yeah, I'd love to!
Corey: Yeah, it's my Uncle Rob. You could go say hi to him at the Food Co-op where he works.
Me: Okay...
Corey: He's in his sixties and sometimes goes by the name Kenji.
Me: Oh. Umm...I might not have time.
Corey: Okay.