Feel free to ask me questions here, specifically if it is about going to the bathroom, why I want to marry someone who already has a nine month old child, and why I hate people that run.

Q. What city did you enjoy the most on your trip?

A. I have decided to answer this by treating my recent travels like a High School Yearbook:

City That Was Just Like They All Say It Is (In A Good Way): Paris

Most Overrated City That Was Destroyed By A Volcano Almost 2,000 Years Ago That Will Make You Have a Big Fight With The Friend You Are Traveling With: Pompeii

Most Full Of Historically Famous Attics: Amsterdam

City Most Filled With The Spirit Of Christmas: Vienna

Most Rapey City: Rome

City Most Okay With You Getting High And Peeing In A Canal At Four In The Morning: Amsterdam

Most Ridiculous City: Dubai

City That Made Me Most Suspicious I Was Surrounded By One-Time Nazis: Koln, Germany

City Most Likely To Accost You In A Bathroom Stall And Try To Make Out With You In The Form Of A Dutch Person Named Jop: Cape Town, South Africa

Most “This Is Basically Disneyland” City: Prague

City Most Likely To Throw Up Whiskey Onto It’s Chest In The Form Of A Retarded Homeless Man at 3AM: Zagreb, Croatia

Most Expensive In An “A Coffee Is $8.00” Sort Of Way: Switzerland

Most Holocausty City: Tererzin, Czech Republic

Most Attractive City, People-Wise: Cape Town & Paris (tie)

Most “You Should Wash Your Face” City, People-Wise: Rome, Italy. Seriously. WashyourfaceRomans.

City That Is Most Just Basically One Gigantic Metaphor For Everything That Is Wrong With The World, The Future, And Progress: Dubai

Most Terrifying In A “People Are Screaming At Us In The Middle Of The Night To Lock Our Train Car With This Chain And Bolt So We Don’t Get Killed” Sort Of Way: Ljublana, Slovenia

City Most Mistakes Were Made In: Cape Town

Favorite Countries: South Africa, The Netherlands, France

…was when Kevin told me just now, moments before bed, that he saw a small mouse in my room this morning.

And I’m not forgetting that I’ve been slapped in the face before and robbed of everything I own at gunpoint.

“Hello! I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old. I’m also a stage lighting designer, amateur filmmaker, kick-ass graphics designer dude, Formula One fanatic and wannabe nerd.”

Guys, can we call it a day on Twitter?

You jump, I jump.

I get to spend my days making comedy videos with some of the funniest, most talented people I have ever met. At night, I get to write and direct and rehearse comedy shows with more hilarious people and if I ever need or want something to do, I can go to the comedy theatre I work at and say hi to any number of brilliant people.

Not a bad life. It’s good to remind myself of that every now and then.

Thank you if I know you.

Hi there!

Life is short, right? Super short. So I can not imagine - CAN NOT IMAGINE - taking time out of my day to go stand on the side of the road with a sign and try and keep rights from you.

Forget what’s fair and what’s legal and what’s morally right and what’s gross or not gross if you stick it where and how, I can not imagine taking time out of my already short life to get dressed, go to Rite Aid and then maybe CVS or something if they don’t have all the supplies I need at Rite Aid, buy poster board and markers, talk to my friends about good damning words that rhyme with gays and hell, drive to a street corner, and then scream about how people shouldn’t have equal rights all day. WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME?

YOU, apparently. And you’re out there all day, aren’t you? Which means you also had to pack yourself a lunch, right? So there’s another ten minutes indirectly dedicated to hate, assuming you had all the ingredients for a sandwich in your refrigerator.

I just think it’s silly. There are so many more things you could be doing with your time, Man Screaming On The Street About How I’m Going To Hell. So if you’re reading this (because I know how much you love liberally-slanted comedy blogs), I would like to give you some ideas on how to better spend your time:

- Open your own poster board shoppe. Like a local one. With all your faggot-hating friends constantly making signs, imagine the money you would make! You are sitting on a goldmine.

- Go to Trader Joe’s and get some of their Cheeto Puffs. DELICIOUS.

- Take an adult education class at a community college. Did you know some of them have like tae-kwon-do classes for ten dollars or something preposterously cheap like that? It would a) be so much fun, and b) ready you for when a gay guy comes on to you like they always do because they’re gross monsters. You would be able to kill him in a heartbeat.

- Spend quality time with your loved ones.

- Learn how to cook! It’s something I feel like I should know how to do but have no interest in. Apparently it’s fun and a good stress reliever. And this way, you wouldn’t have to eat out so much. Which is expensive and a double-entendre for something lesbians do to each other. Also, gay people sometimes work in restaurants, so you have no idea how many times a gay person has slid their erect penis over one of your meals. Probably a lot.

- Catch up on LOST. Season Six starts on Tuesday. You have time to catch up and I promise I won’t spoil anything for you because I know how annoying that can b—no, fuck it. You hate gays. Locke isn’t really Locke. There, asshole. Fuck you.

- Go to the beach!!!

So there, I hope this has helped you, Man Screaming On The Street About How I’m Going To Hell. I would just hate it if you died and your only contribution to mankind was trying to rhyme sodomy with sodomy on a giant posterboard, because, frankly, I’m dying, too. Everyone is.

SO STOP IT.

Thank you, Your Friend Chris Kelly

Jill is one of the most talented people I know and have ever worked with. She wrote this show for UCB and then filmed it. I just watched it, and it’s amazingly well-produced. Watch!

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four