Happy Holidays From The Kelly-Handsome Family!

Hey friends and family, Ben here!

Phew! What a year it was for the Kelly-Handsomes! 2011 was full of trips, filled to the brim with love, jam-packed with memories, and the year our dog lost every one of his legs.

Let’s begin at the beginning! As everyone knows, the year started strong for our little clan when Chris, the love of my life, won Best Original Screenplay and Best Director at the Oscars for his feature debut, And You Too Shall Die. I was quite the beaming husband that night!!! On top of all the awards, the movie got an impressive 100% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert said it was, quote, “Raw, immediate and heartbreaking. But never cliche. Never cloying. There was no music in the entire film, no artifice, no obvious ‘acting’—just people living, experiencing, crying, watching someone die, sitting, occasionally laughing, and many times running. I’m ready to die now.”

Going to the Oscars with him in February was a lot of fun, especially because I’m not the Hollywood type. It felt so weird not to be wearing my usual blue jeans and plain white t-shirt. But this part isn’t about me, it’s about my husband! Chris also had a very exciting summer. His collection of comedic essays, Pay Attention To Me! (This Time In Book Form), was a best-seller, which he was not expecting, because he wrote it all in one sitting underneath an apple tree on our fourth estate in the south of France. That book won the Pulitzer, but we decided not to go to the awards ceremony, because we were too busy laying by the fireplace in our second home that I had just built right off the hot tub in our third bathroom. The one on our fifth deck.

But enough about Chris! This was also an extremely fun and rewarding year for me, too. I was the perfect amount of busy and away from Chris, and the perfect amount available to him the second he needed or wanted me around for any reason at all (be it to have sex or just listen to him complain about something…both of which I love to do!) Chris sometimes likes to be alone for long periods of time because he’s introverted and moody, and every time he says, “Ben, I just wanna be by myself for a bit”, I just back off, somehow start loving him even more, and then go build a cool antique shelf to put up in our house for picture frames. We have close to 850 shelves!!!

This year my architecture/philanthropy business really took off. For those of you we haven’t seen in awhile, I quit my job as a lawyer/doctor in March and decided to become an architect/philanthropist. Basically, what that means is sometimes I design cool homes, and then sometimes I just go around helping others. You get it. It’s a really cool job that allows me to travel and bring my family with me. This year alone we went to Greece, Iceland, Brazil, Spain, Italy (have Chris tell you about all the guys that hit on him there!!!!), Japan, China, Australia, Portugal, Egypt, South Africa, and Antarctica. But my favorite place I visited all year was Chris’ body (I know, I know. That’s not appropriate for a Christmas card, but holy fuck is it true!!!!!!) Did you know Chris started gaining muscle in his sleep this year? It’s weird. He doesn’t work out or take care of himself in any way, but he’s been getting really cut and fit. So we went to the doctor and they said he has a rare gene that allows him to work out just by sleeping. It’s amazing!!!

But back to me!

Aside from my work, my hobbies have been really fulfilling this year. Obviously my favorite is either hanging out with Chris or not hanging out with him at his discretion, but this year I also got really into chopping wood shirtless, giving massages to Chris for three to four hours at a time, and complimenting Chris’ face during commercials while we watch “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and he eats a Chipotle burrito. But more than that, I love spending time with my kids. Running with them, playing with them, kicking fall leaves with them, holding them up above my face and having them smile down at me and my chiseled jaw-line. They’re the best. So let’s talk about them now!

First up we have Jack, who had SUCH a great year!!! He’s seven and getting SO big! Chris and I were both nervous about having a son; would he be gay and then people would think we made him gay? Would he be straight and be ashamed of his gay fathers? But neither came true! He’s only seven, but we can already tell he’s going to be quite the ladies’ man. And he said that when he grows up, he wants to spend time volunteering to push handicapped gay people around in wheelchairs. What a sweetheart! This year, Jack also got really into baseball, but his team plays a new version of baseball where the games only last five minutes. So it’s a lot of fun to go to one, take in the Americana of it all for the length of a song or two, and then immediately leave! 

Then there is Harper Grace who just turned nine this year, and how do I put this? Chris and I fucking hate her. I mean. She is the worst. No joke, we can not deal with that girl. Like, she’s just one of those people where it’s like, “Do you even hear what you sound like? How can you not tell how you’re coming off!?”. You know what I mean? Like, in that picture up there? Sure, she looks cute. But Christ Almighty, is she fooling everyone. Seriously, if you wanna talk to her, go ahead, give her a call. I fucking dare you. I don’t even know what it is about her, I can’t think of a specific thing. She just…she fucking makes my skin crawl.

Then there’s baby Ipo Keiki, who we adopted from Laos this year! She is so cute, I just wanna break her face off. And the cool thing about her is that she doesn’t age. She’ll remain two and adorable for the next five to ten years and then just die off. So it’s really perfect because Chris wanted a cute Laotian daughter that he could save and raise and use to feel superior and philanthropic, but didn’t want to do the whole “raising a third child” thing. So this is the best of both worlds! It’ll be sad when she dies, but I’m sure we’ll learn a lot from it that we’ll carry with us forever!

OH! And this year for Halloween, we dressed Ipo up as a pumpkin. She looked so, so cute. We’ve also dressed her up as something every other day of the year, because she’s too adorable not to constantly be in some sort of character. So far she’s been a painter, a bumblebee, a cherry, a bear, a blueberry, a dandelion, a slut, a porcupine, a little chef, a cobra, a magician’s assistant, a real estate broker who is also in night school, a ballerina, a soccer player, a divorcee who never stops talking about it, one of those girls who’s always freezing, and a toy soldier! 

And speaking of Halloween: this year little Jack went as a medic for the first half of trick or treating and then dressed up as Chris for the second half, because he said he, “couldn’t decide which hero he would rather be”. Cute as a button, that kid! (We’ve also dressed Ipo Keiki up as a button.) And then Harper Grace was…something for Halloween…? I forget. I think there were wings? I wasn’t paying attention. You give her an inch of attention, and that goddamn girl will take a mile.

Then there’s our lovable dog Racer, who tragically lost all of his legs this year. A wolf ate off the first one, another one had to be cut off because he lost a bet, the third one was burned off in a dare, and then the fourth one…we don’t know what happened. (But I swear to God, ten bucks says Harper Grace had something to do with it.)

All in all, it was a great, great year for the Kelly-Handsomes and we are so looking forward to an even better 2012, filled with love, happiness, and Chris and I making love in this new old-timey treehouse I’m building off our bedroom that you can only get to by secret passage-way!

Love, 

Ben, Jack, Harper Grace, Ipo Keiko, Racer, and Academy Award Winner Chris Kelly

December 20th, 2011

vicemag:

Take a Stroll…with Rob Delaney - On Hating Gay People

I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Musical Theater from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. I studied jazz, tap, and ballet for years. I’m terrible at sports and I’m an excellent chef. I think Judy Garland is sublime. I realize those facts are like a spacious warehouse of red flags broadcasting homosexuality, but the fact is, I’m straight. If I had to guess, the chief indicator that I’m straight is that when I think about or stand near women, my dick gets hard. When I’m around guys—even fit, muscular ones with no shirts on—my dick remains in its dormant state. When I’m around women, I think about my dick and how it might feel inside of their body somewhere (like their vagina; not like in France or something, though that would be nice too (I just remembered that I speak French too, which can often identify an American man as “le gay”)).

When I’m around men, I don’t think about my dick, unless it wriggles out of my boxer flap, as it sometimes does, and touches a cold button of my jeans’ fly, and then I’m like “Get back in your cubby, you little rascal!” and nonchalantly adjust myself.

Bepenised Texan Rick Perry’s been in the news over the last few days for releasing a nakedly bigoted anti-gay ad that he believes will help revive his dying campaign. It won’t, but it made me think of a story I recently heard that illustrated the mindset and motivation of someone who actively fights to reduce and take away the rights of homosexual human beings.

It’s the story of a young man slowly discovering and accepting his homosexuality and it is extraordinarily painful and beautiful to hear. I cried. What’s most interesting is that the guy in the story used to actively and publicly campaign against gay rights.

People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.

Hating them won’t work. That doesn’t fix anything.

So far, the greatest quote I’ve heard in my 34 years is this: “Hatred never ceases by hatred in this world. By love alone it ceases; this is eternal law.” Gotama the Buddha said that about 2,500 years ago. Since it’s eternal, as he said, that means it applies right now.

I’m not suggesting that Rick Perry or those who campaign against gay rights are gay themselves. Some of them are, some of them aren’t; I don’t care. But they are damaged by, and damaging with, their hatred. I hope, for them, and for the people they are actively harming, that they can begin to experiment with some kindness and sympathy, and try on for size that Golden Rule that benefits both the giver and the recipient with real and immediate peace.

Homophobes aren’t going to hell, like they often say their perceived opponents are. Rather they are in hell, and they prolong their stay with each hateful act, word, and thought. They can leave whenever they want.

I hope you will listen to this story, because it is wonderful. It’s from an episode of This American Life called “So Crazy It Just Might Work.” It’s about a guy named Benny, whom you’re going to love.

Listen

Thank you Rob Delaney, this is nice.

(via robdelaney)