I think someone - or something - doesn’t want us in this Montmartre Cemetery, Kerry.  And night is falling.

I think someone - or something - doesn’t want us in this Montmartre Cemetery, Kerry. 

And night is falling.

Me and Kerry at the Apple Store in Paris.

Me and Kerry at the Apple Store in Paris.

How embarrassing. I could have sworn I was alone down there. Down there by the river. The River Siene. In Paris. France.  But let’s get serious, folks. You may think visiting Paris is wonderful, full of sitting by the Siene and contemplating things on a perfectly temperate autumnal day, but be warned: IF YOU GO TO PARIS, YOU WILL INEVITABLY THINK “WE SHOULD GO TO THE TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.” It’s beautiful from the ground. But next thing you know, you’re in a goddamn elevator with a bunch of assholes practically ejaculating because they’re so happy to be around other Americans for once. Then they all start saying “bonjour” to you with this comical air that says “Haha, get it? Like French people say! Isn’t it fun that we know some words in French now?” Put your pants back on, Ed from Atlanta. (Also, it’s night time, so it’s bonsoir (Just sayin’)). Then you get off the elevator and the light show begins. Parisians think the flashing lights on the tower at night are garish, but trust me, locals: from the top of the tower, it’s even worse. It’s like being on the very tip of a mile high needle and then having someone flash a strobe light in your eye until you have a seizure. You guys, Paris is awful. Just awful.  JK YOU GUYS! THIS IS SO FUN MY LIFE IS GREAT EIFFEL TOWERS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN TOMORROW THE LOUVRE!

How embarrassing. I could have sworn I was alone down there. Down there by the river. The River Siene. In Paris. France. 

But let’s get serious, folks. You may think visiting Paris is wonderful, full of sitting by the Siene and contemplating things on a perfectly temperate autumnal day, but be warned: IF YOU GO TO PARIS, YOU WILL INEVITABLY THINK “WE SHOULD GO TO THE TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.”

It’s beautiful from the ground. But next thing you know, you’re in a goddamn elevator with a bunch of assholes practically ejaculating because they’re so happy to be around other Americans for once. Then they all start saying “bonjour” to you with this comical air that says “Haha, get it? Like French people say! Isn’t it fun that we know some words in French now?” Put your pants back on, Ed from Atlanta. (Also, it’s night time, so it’s bonsoir (Just sayin’)).

Then you get off the elevator and the light show begins. Parisians think the flashing lights on the tower at night are garish, but trust me, locals: from the top of the tower, it’s even worse. It’s like being on the very tip of a mile high needle and then having someone flash a strobe light in your eye until you have a seizure.

You guys, Paris is awful. Just awful. 

JK YOU GUYS! THIS IS SO FUN MY LIFE IS GREAT EIFFEL TOWERS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN TOMORROW THE LOUVRE!

This is where Marie-Antoinette would take dumps.

This is where Marie-Antoinette would take dumps.

The Hall of Mirrors at Versailles.  BORING.

The Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. 

BORING.

Paris, Thus Far

I am sitting in a McDonald’s in Paris because it has free Wifi. Don’t worry. If you’re in America reading this entry, the McDonald’s I am in is better than yours.

Here are some things I have learned about Paris:

1. It is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Granted, I am at the beginning of a trip of many cities, but holy shit. It’s beautiful in every direction. Every single one.

2. Staying in the hostels is interesting. I feel like I am living the life of an 18 year old fresh out of high school, backpacking through Europe before college. Only I’m 26, so it’s sort of barely still charming to use a communal shower. Kerry and I forgot to bring flip flops for the shower and since we couldn’t find any or figure out how to ask where to buy flip-flops in French, we bough plastic plates to stand on in the shower. Which are better than the other two options we seriously considered: dish gloves and condoms.

3. Jet leg is very, very real.

4. Notre Dame is stunning. It’s weird to be standing on the altar while the tour guide named Dominique who has lipstick all over her snaggle-tooth says “Napoleon and King Henry VI were crowned right where you’re standing.”

5. The Louvre is so, so, so beautiful and humongous from the outside. It is also closed on Tuesdays. It was cool to be standing right where Robert Langdon must have stood. 

6. Everyone in Paris is beautiful. Everyone. Well, the young people, at least. The old people all look like they’re in the opening scene of Beauty and the Beast. People literally walk around with baguettes here as if they heard this is how we pictured them, so they’re appeasing us.

7. That’s not the Arch de Triumph. It’s just an arch. THAT is the Arch de Triumph.

8. Little gaggles of Parisian children talking and laughing in French on the Metro is the most adorable thing you will ever see.

That is it for now. It is time for me to go see the Eiffel Tower at night. BORING!

Kerry and I are in the airport readying for our trip.

Kerry and I are in the airport readying for our trip.

I am leaving in two hours for Paris. Then Versailles and the south of France, Switzerland, Itlay, Austria and the Czech Republic. If there’s time, we might check out Berlin and Amsterdam. This is crazy. I’m kind of nervous. Prepare for this tumblr to become insufferable.

I am leaving in two hours for Paris.

Then Versailles and the south of France, Switzerland, Itlay, Austria and the Czech Republic. If there’s time, we might check out Berlin and Amsterdam. This is crazy. I’m kind of nervous.

Prepare for this tumblr to become insufferable.

It’s a Thursday night at midnight in LA and I’m at my friend’s apartment alone, watching 30 Rock, drinking tap water, and eating halved pears because that’s all she has in her fridge. What are YOU doing with YOUR life, asshole?

It’s a Thursday night at midnight in LA and I’m at my friend’s apartment alone, watching 30 Rock, drinking tap water, and eating halved pears because that’s all she has in her fridge.


What are YOU doing with YOUR life, asshole?

Do you guys remember this horror film? Mel Gibson rapidly ages! He’s normal one minute and then every time he wakes up, he ages faster and faster until he’s super old. I was so terrified of the prospect of this happening to me when I was a child that if I woke up after sleeping on my pillow wrong with creases on my face, I would convince myself that I had begun the process of rapidly aging and my family would have to gather together at sunset to bury a 100 year old me. THEN my dad had the gall to tell me that rapidly aging is a real thing. It’s real, people. Not in the way it happened in the movie obviously, but it can happen. IT CAN AND IT WILL. Though, frankly, watching this movie back, I’m sure Mel Gibson turning into an old man would be a lot less scary now that we have the knowledge of what Mel Gibson actually turns into in real life.

Do you guys remember this horror film?

Mel Gibson rapidly ages! He’s normal one minute and then every time he wakes up, he ages faster and faster until he’s super old. I was so terrified of the prospect of this happening to me when I was a child that if I woke up after sleeping on my pillow wrong with creases on my face, I would convince myself that I had begun the process of rapidly aging and my family would have to gather together at sunset to bury a 100 year old me.

THEN my dad had the gall to tell me that rapidly aging is a real thing. It’s real, people. Not in the way it happened in the movie obviously, but it can happen.

IT CAN AND IT WILL.

Though, frankly, watching this movie back, I’m sure Mel Gibson turning into an old man would be a lot less scary now that we have the knowledge of what Mel Gibson actually turns into in real life.

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